The Realm of Sanity
by mock turtle
Summary: Fellowship travels to our day and age accompanied by two girls. They travel to Chucky cheese while the girls concern themselve with escaping the dreadfully handsome orc.
1. oh father of mine

I will make this so the people who haven't read my first fic be able to understand this fic. I'll give a brief overview as soon as I get started.

Yes, proof reading is something that I need to work on Lithia. It's hard especially when one is up at late hours of the night typing something up but none-the-less, I will take your advice (though unwillingly of course). Oh, and I do hope that you are not dancingqueen or someone of that nature. However, I do doubt you are so this is my next sequel thing-a-ma-bober or whatever. Personally I don't like the word sequel so I will call it by a new word that I have made up in about two seconds by pounding on my keyboard: gwain. No, I don't know why that came out but this is my gwain. Don't ask I really don't know but this for the last time is my gwain.

The overview: there are three characters introduced at the beginning part of flat beverage. Their names are Amery Dias, Ariel, and Trisana. Amery's dead, well they are all dead so that kind of defeats the purpose of saying that one is deader than another but Amery is deader so just bare with me.

Ariel and Trisana are two very odd, strange, queer, inept individuals and continually beat their heads against the wall and recite Lewis Carroll poetry or any poem in general. And yes, I once did try to beat my head on the wall and recite poetry. I found it very hard so one must give them credit.

In the end of the first story, Gimli decided to stay with his love, Ariel because well, he loved her for some strange unknown reason. Legolas and Trisana are also deeply in love as well but no one besides blueberry wants to here about that relationship. Sam had been in love with Amery till she died and then he'd just kind of…moved on shall we say after they broke up when she was swallowed by the sea monster at Moria. 

All the characters end up dying while in moria when that awesome fight scene was going on. This was mainly do to the fact that Gimli was deeply in love with Ariel and wouldn't leave her side while she lay dying, being pierced with many arrows and looking like a Christmas tree. That's about all you need to know if you haven't read my last fic. Basically you haven't missed much. 

Oh, and I strongly suggest you read Madame Blueberry's piece entitled Alka Seltzer is Dangerous. This will also give you some background info on anything you wish to know. Well, not really, it's only the best story I've ever read so do read it. And one more thing; flame her while your at it for not updating in a long, long time.

The Origin of Liquid Cleaners

She felt no pain. No sharp edge of anything to hold her back from falling. Everything was different. It was wrong. All wrong. Something was messed up, something was not right. She opened her eyes once more to see Gimli standing over her and she smiled at him. She was dying but she felt no pain. Shouldn't she feel pain? Shouldn't she feel something? Gimli was holding her in his arms while she wreathed and coiled. She was dying but still no emotion pressed into her. She pitied Gimli for she knew something was going amiss but she couldn't find the words to tell him, she couldn't talk.

"Go!" she wanted to scream, "save yourself!" But no words came out. She was slipping away from him and could not help it. Was this truly the end? Or was it only a new chapter in her life? One of which she wouldn't remember when she returned home. If she returned home that is. She knew nothing at that moment only because she was never told anything before as to why she was there in the first please. Technically there was no answer but that's besides the point.

She slipped away silently and she felt Gimli's tears upon her face, mingling with her own blood. With that last thought, she tensed and left feeling that her body was being taken away from the dark cave. Where was she going? She didn't know. All she knew was that she was leaving her body behind, her lover, and her best friend. Would she ever see them again? She could not help thinking so deeply for the first time in her existence. It hurt her little head but at that moment, pain was good right now, pain had feeling and emotion along with the subtleties of mortal existence.

Major short chapter and don't worry, I'll get back into the groove soon with my original style unless you lovely reviewers wish me to keep this pathetic style that sounds like a complete Mary-sue. Yes, my characters do have more emotion than anyone probably realized but don't worry, I'll make 'em as cruel and heartless as ever if you wish it to be. It all depends on what you like or hate. Let me know for even if I don't except constructive criticism very well, it doesn't mean I won't take it. Do review! Next chapter, which will be funny and actually get somewhere, is coming shortly! This was just a short overview before we began. And naturally we need to have a poem to bless this:

"You are old father William," the young man said,

"And your hair has become very white, 

Yet you incessantly stand you your head,

Prey, what is the meaning of that?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,

"I feared it might injure the brain,

Yet now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,

Why, I do it again and again!"

I search for haddock's eyes among the heather bright,

And beat them into waistcoat buttons,

In the silent of the night.


	2. for love of the health food store

She awoke on a kitchen floor that was littered in papers and odd assortments of objects. Candle wax dripped from the nearby stove and onto the crudely tiled floor. Everything about her seemed chaotic even in the dim light. 

"Where am I?" Ariel asked herself, "and what am I doing here?" She felt like she'd already asked herself that once in her life although she did not remember the reason or the circumstances. It was a memory that had been there once and could not be remembered. Had it ever been there? She proceeded to ponder this statement. She was still dazed and confused to the point that she would not have recognized her own face in the mirror (which was highly likely at this present time). At that moment something jutted her in the side and she winced in pain as she felt the stinging sensation leek up her spine. She turned and there was Gimli's ax bloodied and bearing the stench of orcs. Ariel felt herself become lightheaded at the sight of the fresh blood that dripped onto the white kitchen floor. Who would have guessed? White? That too brought back memories from some unknown dream or wild fancy that she thought she'd endured once upon a time. A sudden realization came to her.

"Why! I am at home," she breathed wondering faintly why she didn't recognize the place. The white walls encircled the small kitchen and the white tiled floor bringing a dull life that had been deceived for a dream to reality.

She sighed and nodded her head in recognition. She would have to do the laundry and then mop the floor. Why had she left the stove on? These thoughts protruded from her mind and into the stiff air the encompassed the dully light room. Her voice was high and drifted as though a breeze had been there. It did not fit the ambience of the placid area.

She laid her head back onto the floor only to realize that someone already occupied the space.

"Trisana?" Ariel said with a mixture of surprise and astonishment in her voice.

"Yes?" said her friend gravely when she looked upon Ariel's concerned features, "what troubles you so?"

"Nothing," she replied onto her friend. She tried to allude to everything that had happened in the past but she could not. For the first time in her life she'd actually imagined something other than her own guilty pleasures of life. But once more did it hurt her tired mind and she ceased to consider the matter for longer than worthwhile. Everything at that present time was too hard and her motivation had reached its edge. She no longer yearned to fathom the minds of which she could not understand so she yielded and shunned those unknown enigmas. It perplexed her for the first time and she was know undergoing a stage that very few go through in their sheltered lives.

"Oh! Life!" she hastened to a thought that did not need to be contemplated at that point in time, "_is but a walking shadow full of sound and furry! A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more._" She cowered under the weight that pressed against her sides and her chest heaved to an unsteady beat. She could not circumvent the new rivalry that included only her. A battle was being fought right then and there between a mixed group of feelings and contemplations. 

She doubled up and reeled in cold furry, her heart rate pulsing through her body as she recoiled and swung again at an intangible object that did not exist. It was her dreams, her passions; her concerns all enveloped in this tiny ball of hope that would not unwind did come forth but yet again too abruptly and too unknowingly for her or the fear that she required to live.

A far off voice came to her lodged brain that was still trying not to contemplate the theories that she was discussing before amidst the futile swings into an unknown and unreachable goal. She exhaled and her face burned up. She had almost forgotten to breath. Her breath was strangled by the ever-pressing foe. 

It was only a dream, all of it. Nothing was true she assured herself, as she lay half asleep on the floor of the kitchen trying to recall exactly what she was doing there.

"Ariel, are you ok?" Trisana butted in disturbing her deep moment of silence, "I wasn't sure what was happening."

"I am confused Trisana," Ariel murmured more to herself than her friend.

"Well, that's a first, rightly said. At least you can admit to such defeat," said Trisana facetiously, "now, what do you propose we have for snack?"

"There should be some crackers in the pantry," Ariel replied in a muffled voice. The attrition she was bound to was now wearing in the progressive atrophy in her mind. She never even knew that she was bound such power that could consume her so readily till now.

"That isn't enough to feed the rest," Trisana went on in a worried tone till she ventured on, "what do you suppose we do?"

"Who is 'the rest' may I ask?" Ariel said with half interest as she dug her face deeper into her arms, trying to rid the throbbing pain in her head.

"Well, you know, the rest, everyone else who came," she replied to the befuddled Ariel. Her friend now looked her with confusion clearly marked on her brow and her head swarmed in a series of menacing thoughts with no set pattern.

It was at that precise moment that Sam walked in complaining about the lack of good food. Neither of the girls paid him any heed. He had no command of presence even when he was sneaking into secret meetings where his fat little nose did not belong.

"Well, I say! A good draught of ale would do me fine right about now," he replied.

"Aww a good bit of love would too but no one gives you that do they?" Trisana replied with apathy.

He looked dejectedly at her but she made no motion or hindrance to take back her insult.

"Well, I figure we can always go out for a bite to eat then? I see no harm in that," Trisana stated while looking at the rest of the starving fellowship who had just entered the room.

"Oh, and no one will find it strange that a bunch of funny looking medieval clad men walking into a McDonald's?"

"Ariel, you are so unvigilant!" Trisana cried in response to her statement, "have you not read these papers? The ones that are all over the floor. They are of us! Someone knew we were in Middle-earth all along! If someone's been writing our story then there would have to be a way to go into a restaurant without being looked at strangely. The writer wouldn't be that mean as to make us starve would she or he or it?"

Ariel gazed at her in astonishment, not believing her and again, not understanding everything that was coming out of her mouth.

"So we can go to Burger King then? Or eat Chinese food or order pizza?"

"You bet your lucky bottom!" She cried with glee and went to get the car keys to her lovely rundown VW bug.

"We are going on a field trip guys!" they said as they tried to stuff eight people including themselves into the car, which proved rather difficult. They had made Sam run behind because he needed to burn some calories anyway. 

So now, with eight other men in the car including Ariel and Trisana, they were off on their adventure to the health food store seeing as Trisana was a vegetarian and seemingly forgot that fact on the way there.

"So we're going to celebrate at the health food store! I am so longing for good old tofu cheese lasagna!" Ariel cried in bliss.

"I thought you didn't like tofu? Or lasagna as a matter of fact," Trisana questioned to her friend.

"Well, I don't but I do now! Oh, by the way, what are we celebrating?" Ariel asked after her tofu spasm.

"We need to celebrate?"

"Yes, of course! That is what we always do when we go to the health food store."

"How about the fact that we screwed up Tolkien's masterpiece? Or the fact that Amery's dead and Boromir isn't? Or how about the fact that we are actually thinking for once in our lives? Or how about the fact that all of Middle-earth is falling down beneath the evil dark scary forces of Saruman while we engage in petty quarreling over what we should celebrate?" Trisana said with little dignity in her high voice.

"All four of course!" Ariel said acting as though very pleased with herself.

They got to the health store where they would celebrate the fact that they made everything on their planet and Middle-earth askew by the imbalance of what had previously been done. But, in the check out line, the fellowship began to fuss and complain and rant and rave till at length Ariel was forced to take them all out. Of course, that was before she had to show all of the how to use the 'waste receptacle' and there was a detailed discussion on the use the urinator. Then lastly, they discussed why no male specimens could go into the women's bathroom even if elves and dwarves weren't considered men. When they had finished their talk on urination and how to do it properly, Trisana left them all to do their business although she would have loved to make sure Legolas had the right idea and was not confused. 

When they had finished the need to go, they came out only to realize that Ariel was still in line trying to pay for the groceries. So Trisana decided to teach them a game. They went outside and began to play a version of duck, duck goose in the parking lot.

"Orc, orc, orc, cave troll!" Trisana said as she, for the seventh time, tagged Legolas. He got up and ran like a maladroit incompetent orc till she sat back down in his spot. Yes, he did let her win if you are wondering. He began now and tapped each person on the head, skipping over Sam of course.

"Orc, orc, orc, orc, orc, orc, orc, orc….orc, orc, orc, orc, orc, orc, goblin!" Legolas cried as he tapped Trisana on the head before running once more like a maladroit incompetent orc while she tagged along at his heels before she tagged him and he was in the stone of Orthanc again for the sixth time that game. This pattern continued even after the company grew tired of the game. Finally Ariel came out with groceries and the key to the car in hand. Gimli got up to help her not to be nice but to get away from the lovesick couple, Legolas and Trisana, who were now giggling like boisterous rabid cave trolls.

"Thank you dear," she said while he took two bags under each arm while she unlocked the car and threw the twenty million groceries into the tiny little trunk, having to tie bungee-cords to get it closed so as not to let the spinach tumble out.

"Now we are ready? We must go back to the stronghold once again, every able-bodied man into the car!" and with that she jumped into the drivers seat and cranked the stereo up as high as possible. All the rest clambered into the car while she started to sing in her lovely off key voice:

_I heard there was a secret cord that David played and it please the lord but you don't really care for music do you?_

It goes like this the forth the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift! The baffled king composes, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah…

Maybe there is a god and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.

It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah…

And she sang till even Sam, who didn't have the slightest idea about singing on key in the first place was clutching his ears trying to rid the sound of the dying bovine cat.

"Please," they all wailed in reprimand to her misunderstood and underestimated singing ability, "please refrain! Abstain and desist at once!"

"Your words mean nothing to me!" she said with dignity realizing few appreciated such wonderful and majestic a voice as hers', "do not be so quick to find petty faults in me. I can so easily see above them! _You shall digest the venom in your spleen._" She said this with as much dignity as she could muster and she looked at herself with silent praise. No, she didn't know what it meant but it was a good enough insult to shut the rest of them up while she continued to sing in her off-key voice with no harmony rhythm or melody:

__

Maybe I've been here before, I know this room, 

I know this floor; I used to live alone before I knew you.

It's not a cry you can hear at night, 

It's not somebody who's seen the light, 

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. 

Ok, people, please tell me what you think about this. I know it's probably not as original as some people would like it to be and I did try to make it funny or as funny as I could but my 'sunny side of life' has worn off at the present moment. I am not in the mood to be flamed right now especially because I'm not one to take criticism lightly. I do warn you that if you flame me then I would strongly suggest beware for I will most likely flame you back. And my most predominant way of doing that is by putting you in my story and letting you meet a tragic death like that of Amery Dias. Perhaps later when I am in higher spirits you can flame me but not at present. And if you do have this overwhelming urge to flame me do tell me what I can work on, what parts were good, what parts sucked and a detailed explanation of why you were dissatisfied and loathed it so much. By the time you right this essay-long explanation, you will probably find it not worthwhile on behalf of both of our time. I am sorry if I don't measure up to those high standards you people think you have over me but I am only a carpenter! I mend old soles and I walk around to celebrate the victory over Pompey's blood not in earnest but to get myself into more work. And yes, I am being as smart of an ass as I can at the moment. Oh, by the way, I strongly suggest you read Madame Blueberry's piece entitled "Alka Seltzer is Dangerous". She is feeling rather low at the present time and I would like it if you all cheered her up by giving her a warm, welcome review. And no, she's not really on that much medication, only a little dose every two to three hours.


	3. wackos let loose

Everything had been going smoothly in the little house with the white picket fence and the birdhouse in the back. To tell you quite frankly, one would have guessed that everything was completely normal and uniform. Yet alas, you have been deceived for in such little plain house with it's white picket fence, there now dwelt two men, one elf, four hobbits, and one dwarf, and two lovely girls.

Everything though orderly in look had been breaking down in the house. It had all started when Sam came down wearing Trisana's purple ducky pajamas since he'd left his at home. Trisana, beyond the brink of infuriation, ran around the house like a mad poodle until he agreed to change. After that small interruption, the fellowship agreed to watch a movie. They settled down to watch the three tiresome hours of "Titanic" only because Gandalf and Boromir as well as Ariel found it great fun to watch the poor Sam cry when Jack went down. Their sardonic grins filled him with hatred and he fell about in pitiful fells of disheartening spasms. After those three hours of his boorish attempts to draw attention and be comforted, which obviously failed, he sat up and they plugged in another movie.

This time that movie was Fievel Goes West. Then, midway through, the fellowship became annoyed by Fievel's intoxicated mousy squeaks and felt their corrupted minds go bland from the childish movie. They plugged in yet another movie and this time they were captivated by it. Yes, if you have not thought of that movie by now then shame on you and my you rot and burn in the ninth level of inferno for it was the one, the only, Walt Disney production of Lewis Carroll's wonderful masterpiece of "Alice and Wonderland."

Ariel was bouncing up in down in bliss for she could not contain her dull and subdued mind any longer. Then came the humming of some great poem or other and she could not resist temptation. She drew herself up high and tall and in a singsong sort of altercated voice she gave a great heave as from her mouth, she came up with the fitful words that marked their place in the poem:

How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail,

And pore the waters of the Nile on every golden scale,

How cheerfully he seems to grin,

How neat he spreads his claws,

And welcomes little fishes in with gently smiling jaws.

After watching movies all day, they decided to introduce the high tech world of fine arts. This basically included their wonderful computer that they were intelligent enough to remember how to turn on. It was an amazing thing, the thought that they could remember how to turn the computer on rather than the high tech advantage of the actual computer. This amazed the fellowship. When they started to talk to strange people on the chatrooms, they were even more amazed that Ariel and Trisana actually knew how to get on them more then the fact that chatrooms existed. 

After that inspiring adventure of being introduced to the computer, the fellowship made their way for the fifth time that day, to the kitchen with white tile floors. There, they obviously ate, drank and were merry for the next day, who knows, they could not be able to eat drink and be merry. The day basically passed uneventfully with little interruption from anyone outside or inside. Well, that is besides having Merry and Pippin begin attacking the neighbor's riding lawnmower. Also, Boromir did attempt to bash a car window in with a bat because it was playing inappropriate garbage.

"Oh," replied Ariel, "that was probably rap music like lil bow wow." Then she though on.

"No," she said at last, "it was most likely a classical piece, probably Benny Goodman or Mozart or the sugar plum fairy." Not that Benny Goodman is any way related to Mozart or the sugarplum Fairy but Ariel did not care.

(Now, they were running out of activities to do and frankly, the writer is getting mighty bored of writing about nothing so she will undoubtedly through in a plot that regards nothing of major importance to anything related to anything in particular. This plot she is thinking of at this moment and alas, she has come up with nothing but still, nothing is a place that can be contradicted over and over beyond the point that no one would wish to hear more of the issue. So, we shall work off from the idea that is void in the writer's mind and see what will become, shall we?)

"Oh my! Good Golly! Je Wiz!" cried Trisana as she ransacked her closet to find something. She had not taken back her original form and had not found any clothes that fit her slim figure. Ariel was having the opposite problem. There seemed to be no clothes that fit her pitifully corpulent figure.

"By George! By Jimminy! Not a thing is fitting!" they said in unison as they threw more clothing onto the already messy floor. They had not cleaned their room since they had left to join the fellowship on a sudden wild whim that no one truly knows why or how it happened. In fact, they had not cleaned their room even before they had suddenly dropped onto middle earth on their heads. Now they were facing a large pile of clothing and a bed that had not been made and smelled of mothballs and cabbage. It was truly not a sight or smell that one would want to become accustomed to or encounter. 

"I say! We must go back to be rid of this disturbing figure that someone has bestowed on us!" Ariel cried in mock horror as she gazed into the mirror to realize that her waist no longer fit into a size 1 in juniors. Trisana was now able to fit in a size one, which truly annoyed Ariel even more. 

Ariel had also shrunken if that was possible. For you see, Ariel was always short to begin with so any more height loss would have classified her as a midget not that being a midget is bad, she reflected many times this matter to herself. But now, she was truly feeling the loss of dignity as well as her small height loss.

Trisana, who was always fairly tall, had her self-esteem augmented. She was taller, slightly thinner, and her hair was as black and silky as ever. She was beautiful and ravishing. The exact type of person that one, such as Ariel, would like to scorn and hate and envy. 

But that is now not of any importance for now, just as they were obsessing about their idle lives of dress style and the works, there burst through the door a man dressed in full body armor astride a great leopard spotted appaloosa gelding (basically for unhorsie people, this means a spotted horse that had his testicles chopped off). No one quite knows why he was on a leopard spotted appaloosa as oppose to a great white steed that had not been gelded but we shan't ever know or may indeed, not truly care.

"I am an orc! I am here to take two damsels hostage and hold them until they are rescued by their night in shining armor," he cried in a singsong voice that floated over both of them in a magical mysterious way. His face was lit like he had an elvish air to him and his eyes were deep and shining. In his right arm he held a black leather like case with five letters inscribed in it. It read BUNDY.

"Hey! That's mine! You give that back you overgrown weasel snot brain!" cried Ariel as she realized that this adorably handsome dashing orc had stolen her clarinet case, not that she really cared at all about her clarinet or her case.

"Nay!" the orc spoke firmly, "you will come with me. You will be held in the tower of Orthanc and await the order of Saruman."

"Umm," Trisana thought to herself as she saw that he serious about this whole matter, "well, why are you telling us about what you are going to do instead of just doing it?"

The orc made no response but indicated that this was the plot line. Both Trisana and Ariel nodded in agreement when they understood this. Then, five seconds later, the dashing orc had them hog tied and thrown roughly over the pommel of his saddle. He clicked to his horse and off they went to the tower of Orthanc where they were hoping against hope, not to be rescued for this orc was extremely pleasing to the eye. 

Gimli came into the little room that the girls had just been in only to find it extremely messy, disorganized and without Ariel and Trisana in it. A note was placed on the bed. It read;

"We are kidnapped and going to the tower of Orthanc where we will be held prisoner. Feel free to come rescue us any time but no hurry honestly."

Gimli began running around like a mad lunatic for a while until he realized that running around like a mad lunatic would not work. So he cut to the chase and informed everyone that the two girls, Ariel and Trisana had been taken hostage by a dashing orc and were well on their way to the dark tower where they would be imprisoned till rescued by the fellowship. No one really cared since the girls did need a few lessons in behavioral issues and a good time in the cell would do them quite nicely. Gimli thought about this and agreed. They settled down now to watch Thumbalina. 

Please put some constructive criticism in here or at least tell me what you think or even to tell me that you read it. Well, that's all I have to say, next chapter is coming soon and if no one reviews, it'll be one of the last before I kill everyone! Well, that's all for now. Bye bye!


	4. apprehended by the ravishing orc

The fellowship had been channel surfing ever since Trisana and Ariel left. So far, they had watched Jerry Springer, the Rugrats, The Discovery Channel, and Rocky and Bulwinkle. Everyone liked Rocky and Bulwinkle the best only because it's the best cartoon in the world. Then, when that ended to everyone's disappointment as all shows do have to end, they found Sesame street and Sam finally learned how to count to 10. They also were able to watch MTV, which was parentally blocked for some odd reason. 

Then, after their long hard day of snoozing on the couch without much worry or care besides the fact that Sam had farted on the cushions so nobody could sit on the sofa any longer, things were going slowly. A bit too slowly as a matter of fact. They decided to explore the world that at one point, they felt like they were imprisoned in. 

It was of course an odd sight to see nine strange males who weren't quite from around earth come striding along the sidewalk.

And finally, after about an hour or so of walking, they struck gold.

"Oh! It's beautiful," they all cried in unison. They had stumbled upon a mall! They all rushed in like mad psychotic men only to find that nothing good was in the mall. Spencers was actually pretty fun for all of them. They gazed mystified at the flashing lights that dotted the small closed in area. Sam began to hyperventilate and keel over from looking at the strobe light for far too long and Frodo was busy flirting with the cashier. Boromir and Legolas ventured into Victoria's Secret's and found a perfect D thirty-two for Sam. 

Aragorn came upon a store so wonderful that all he could do was gasp. 

" 'Tis Toys R Us!" he looked at all the others in agreement and they entered into this unknown realm until they were again kicked for foul play with the scooters. Dejectedly, they walked now from the mall to stumble upon the last finding of their long quest. It was not the weathervane this time even though Merry and Pippin found they looked ravishing in shirt shorts with a number imprinted across their chest and six 5 'short' flared pants.

It was chucky cheeses. They had seen commercials on before illustrating the fun and excitement that those children would have when playing games.

"It's where a kid can be a kid!" quoted an oversized, obese, and frightening gray mouse.

The fellowship entered into this unknown place as the last leg of their journey. Gandalf was still upset that Spencers had no good pornography in stock and Frodo was still debating whether he should have given the cashier his telephone number since he didn't have a telephone to begin with. Sam was busy admiring all the little kids playing in the ball pit. 

"What a little pedophile!" this thought echoed through the company as Sam began to drool.

Boromir was angered that he didn't get the strapless bra for Legolas since he'd run out of money and Aragorn was upset because he still needed to pee very badly and couldn't figure out how to use the urinal. So, the distressed fellowship strode into Chucky Cheeses and began to join in with the crowd. 

"Oh! Sam," cried Frodo as he leapt into the ball pit with perfect form, "look! This is so exciting. If feel so alive for once with so much energy. No longer thin and stretched. Oh boy! I'm alive awake alert and enthusiastic!"

Sam climbed up the ladder that led to the slide that lead to the ball pit. 

"I'm coming to save you master Frodo!" he cried and began to slide down the seemingly endless slide. Actually it was only a few feet to the bottom but alas! Poor Sam did not make it.

"I am stuck! I am stuck! Help me dear Frodo for I can not move! Oh my! I can not feel my feet, hurry master, please don't leave me to be eaten by these rabid children!"

Frodo did not hear Sam unfortunately because he was once again, at the prize booth flirting with the girl behind the desk. She gave him a chucky cheese shirt so that he would leave her alone. He greatly excepted this but did not leave her alone till Legolas had a bit of an outburst with a man.

"Don't come any nearer, evil fiend! Do not venture forth least you wish to taste my wrath!" Legolas cried at the man who was dressed as an obese, obtuse, and extremely hairy mouse. Well, all mice have hair so it's the norm for mice to have hair so forget my last description of the overweight under appreciated mouse.

Legolas drew his bow in apprehension. He aimed his arrow directly at the heart of the great grey freak and closed one eye. The man or mouse did not move at all. Legolas took a step back and still the mouse did not budge. He relaxed a bit on the string and this is when the mouse tried to throw himself onto the floor.

"Don't shoot!" cried Frodo coming jumping out of the ball area and tripping over them as he ran. Stuff seemed to happen in slow motion. The mouse, heart racing, threw himself at Legolas to get out of range of the bow. Legolas stepped back again and took aim. His fingered slowly inched off the string as Frodo came up behind him to tackle him from behind. Legolas let go and the arrow flew by the mouse and buried itself into Gandalf's bottom end.

Frodo and the obese mouse collided for Legolas, being the swift moving elf he is, stepped quickly to the side. It was at that moment that the police showed up to arrest Legolas and to take care of poor Gandalf, who was now trying to get the girl behind the counter to look at his wound. When she wouldn't, he asked the man. He did so gladly until the ambulance showed up to take over.

"Just remember!" Frodo remembered hearing Ariel say on her note. He could almost feel it in his hands as he was swept away by a title wave of angry parents and a mob of policemen, "the guys in white coats are friends."

Frodo took that advice and followed the pushy policemen and was brought abruptly to a host of more angry men. It was then that another outburst was aroused by someone else.

Boromir had been introduced to another evil fiend. The wack-o'-moles. He had grabbed the club that hung besides the stand and was now beating the little plastic moles with all his strength. The moles continually tricked him and he grew impatient. He took his sword and slashed it through the machine with all his might. Springs and many odd assortments of wire flew all about and hubbub once again broke out.

The policemen also bade him to come with them. He went willingly for he did not know what more evil could be upon the evil contraption that he had just outsmarted. 

Sam, still being stuck in the slide that led to the ball pit, was also told he was under arrest. Of course, they had to bring a crane in to get him out of the ball pit. This cost chucky cheese a major lot of money and they went bankrupt for a series of months. 

Yet, with their inexplicable desire for a cheese monopoly over the world of entertainment and fine arts, they were able to slide their dept into the K Mart Corporation.

This consisted of seducing the major business cooperate executive and the chairmen of the board that represented the company. That is why, ladies and gentlemen, that K Mart is now going bankrupt, all because of Sam getting stuck in the slide and having a crane come to pull him out. This cost the company, literally billions of dollars in finance. Chucky Cheese, also as we have said, the entertainment monopoly of the world, also had to cover up any slips of mouth from person to person by bribing the iching palm of the media and brain washing the parents and children. Other then that, no more can be said on the issue. If word gets out and they found out that this strange unknown writer by the code name of deep throat was still not brain washed, they would surely have one's head. Do keep this secret please!

Anyway, ya, that's about it. If no one reviews then this shall be the last chappie. And I mean, THE LAST CHAPPIE. Some people don't understand it when I say vertially the last chappie so shall I repeat once again? IT'S THE LAST CHAPPIE IF NO ONE, NOT EVEN ONE PERSON REVIEWS. God damn it! Do review gosh darn it! I'm changing the title to see if anyone else is interested. Anyway, please tell me if you spent your lovely time brooding over my work. I love the word brooding! Anyway, that's about it. I'll give this a week and if no one reviews, I will kill every single person here, yes, even Legolas so do be helpful and press the freakin' button that says 'post [a f***ing] review'. I am down on my knees people so you better review pretty please with sugar on top!


	5. On the John

          One can never say if Ariel and Trisana were fortunate or unfortunate when being kidnapped by the dashing orc with long blond flowing hair and great blue eyes that one could drown in.  However, they were somehow not the least bit pleased with the whole idea.

          "Once an orc, always an orc," Ariel quoted to Trisana in a loud whisper.  The orc paid them both no heed as he cantered down the road.

           "Shan't we run out of gas soon?  I'm dreadfully hungry and desperately need to attain a laboratory immediately in order to treat my feminine needs."  Trisana said aloud.  The orc, flustered by the rowdy and obnoxiously simple women he'd taken captive and decided to stop at a seven eleven in order to relieve Trisana's bloated bladder and also to replenish it not to mention treating her 'feminine needs'.  

          Ariel stopped into the store to buy fresh grapefruit, tofu lasagna, and garlic.  (The garlic was supposedly used to keep orcs away but Ariel was constantly getting fowl creatures mixed up.  Anything that looked creepier than herself, she considered queer and out of the ordinary even if it was not out of that strange looking.)  When the clerk gave her a strange look and told her they had none of the products she requested, she demanded to speak with the manager.  Ariel ranted and raved and still did not get her tofu lasagna, fresh grapefruit, or her garlic.  She gave up and went outside to see that Trisana was still alive and no one had dropped toxic chemicals down the drain or a cherry bomb or…  the numerous possibilities were amounting up, after all, so much can happen when one is on the john.  When she got to the bathroom door, a cold clammy hand grabbed her from behind and dragged her into the men's room right across from the women's.

          The floor was tiled in little black squares and the white walled concrete was grimy and gritty.  The place reeked of anti-disinfectant and Windex cleaner.  This was quite strange since the window which also served as a vent, was plastered over in thick bug guts while the acid rain beat against the outside till it was glazed in opaque white and green.  Flies and other bugs rested on the windowsill dead and decaying into the grain of the wood.  All in all, it was just the place that one would want to live.

          "Shhh!"  said the person behind Ariel.

          "Trisana?  Is that you?  I don't much like this game and my bladder is making its dreadful call," Ariel said.

          "This is no time for urinating!"  Trisana cried still barely above a whisper, "this is time to plan our escape.  Hurry now!"

          "And just how so do you plan to do that?  He's like a hawk, a hawk with lushes flowing blond hair and bright eyes the color of the sea when one is lost in it.  And his arms are strong and lithe, his body toned to a fixed point that exceeds all immortal or mortal men and…By God!  He's probably watching us right now!"

          "This is why we must hurry," Trisana said.  At first, Ariel's slow-witted mind did not process why they were running at all.  She pondered it further only to realize it was indeed an orc that they were running from and their need for speed away from this creature was immediate and necessary.

          "How so do you plan to carry this whole thing out prey tell?"  Even before her almost inaudible voice could get these words out, Trisana dragged out the unconscious truck driver who'd gone to the latrine in order to use the urinal.  Anyway, he'd been knocked on the head with Trisana's hardened pancake batter because no one, not even the orc, wanted to eat her scrumptious pancakes.  Why she had kept her pancake batter in her pocket while it hardened, the world may never know.  But in any case, she was lucky she had it with her.

          "We haven't much time," Trisana replied to Ariel.

          "Then we must hurry," Ariel said in a deep meaningful tone.  It was the first words out of Ariel's mouth that ever sounded so sincere.

***

          "YEEEE-HA!"  both the girls screamed out wildly as they turned the key and the truck started driving away, the ignition caught and they were on their way.  The orc, as they looked out the rearview mirror, was staring on after them.  His mare had shied at the sound.  The orc's handsome blue eyes and gaping mouth penetrated through them even as they drove out of sight.

          "Ha ha!"  Ariel began laughing histerically and having abdominal spasms like she was a monkey in labour, "we beat them!  We crushed 'em.  We smolted em good.  We are the champions!  We are…SO FREAKING DEAD!"

          Both girls screamed like drowning Siamese rats as the truck roared on.  The looked into the great wide mouth of the thing they most now feared.

Hee hee, I'm such a nasty little writer,  yep, I'm leaving it here.  This was a bit shorter than I'd planned but oh well, more in the morn.  I'm a greedy little one for reviews so get them in please, even if they are bad.  I'm going to post the next chapter tomorrow and I'll let you know what happens to Ariel and Trisana even if you don't care.  Oh well, that's it for now.  Still thinking of ideas but here's the chapter that is finally posted!  Whoa, thought I'd never type it up but hey, I'm true to my word to extents.  Bye bye now! 


	6. intellectual truck driver

          The fellowship had been accustomed to living the free life by now at the white little house with its white picket fence.  The men played games that they had found hidden under loads of laundry and also found the remote control.  For awhile, they contained themselves and did no harm to the house.  Of course, by evening, one of the hobbits had stripped the white picket fence of its pickets.  After this, they proceeded to paint the white little picket-less fence many tints and shades of burgundy.  When, in the morning, Legolas found that the poor little fence had been vandalized, punished the hobbits.  The men did not know precisely which little short fat guy to punish so they strung all four hobbits up on a clothesline and pelted them with sponges.

          It was later in the evening and they had left the hobbits out to dry.  Boromir was concentrating hard on a vicious game of Mancholla.  Aragorn was deeply engrossed in some soap opera on TV while he tried to collect all fifty quarters that represented each individual state of America.  Little did he know that not even half of the quarters had come out and this made it impossible to finish his duty of the avid coin collector.  Gimli, who was playing Mancholla with Boromir, had also discovered some embroidery thread and was now making friendship necklaces.  Gandalf, who was still nursing his hurt bottom, was ransacking the linen closet for no apparent reason.  Legolas was practicing his archery on the tree that stood in the front yard until the neighbor came and yelled at him about how good elves and tree huggers should care about nature.  Then he went on to describe the anatomy of a single seed and its process of developing and production.  Legolas climbed the tree and began chucking pine cones at the man until he went back into his house.

          They had left the hobbits out to dry for the main part of the day before they brought them back in.  Nothing of major importance had happened so far and all the fellowship awaited the return of the two precious girls.

***

The girls had far less luck and were considerably in more danger and having more significant a life than chucking pine cones at their neighbors.

          "Really!"  Trisana said in disgust, "they should not put clearance heights on the bridge, how truly inconvenient especially when your truck cannot fit under it."

          "I say, rightly said Trisana," Ariel replied, "it was mighty stupid and inconsiderate person to whom would come up with such design.  What good is the height of a bridge's clearance level if your already going through it?  I've often pondered such things myself.  I mean, once again, who in their right mind tell you that your truck can not fit under the damn bridge if your already heading full speed toward it!"

Yes, so nothing much happens in this chapter either but please review and tell me if I should go on.  I haven't many ideas at present so some ideas would be quite useful.  Once again, please read and review.


	7. Tree hugger landscaping

Yippeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fanfiction is now working.  The only problem I have now is that I actually have to write something.  Oh well.  So, here goes another part of the chapter.  Let's see, where did I leave off from?  Trisana and Ariel finally escaped the dreadfully handsome orc and just drove under a bridge that was too short and they were all like, AHHHHHHHHH!  No, wait, I don't think I got as far as the bridge part, not sure,  don't remember but if your wondering why they thought they were so freaking dead, it was because they went under a bridge that had a clearance height of about 12 and ½ feet and the truck was a good 13 feet at the least.  I think it would be a good idea to have an international standard for trucks.  Anyway, that's about all I have to say here so I'm going to begin the story that I don't remember.  If I say anything wrong or repeat anything, don't tell me, I don't really care.

They were having the time of their lives in that little white house with its white picket fence.  No one was there to bug them or tell them what to do and no one was there to push them into dropping that dreadful ring down Hells Canyon.  Frodo no longer felt the power vested in him to take up the ring and so, everyone was more peaceful and much more relaxed.

Boromir was lying in his underwear on the couch playing manchola with Legolas.  And, Legolas of course, was already winning.  The hobbits were up to no good.  They had become tired of the white picket fence and painted it neon orange with blue pocca-dots.  The rest of the fellowship did not find this amusing so they hung all four little hobbits upon a clothes line and pelted them with sponges dripping with bright yellow paint.  They left them out there to dry for the main portion of the day.  Gimli had been talking to the neighbor about the best weed-whacking techniques and how an ax works better than any electric utensil that was created.  Trisana and Ariel's neighbor then taught Gimli about leaf blowers verses raking and Gimli was much impressed.  

          Gimli began working on the neighbors lawn and the neighbor's wife brought out cookies and milk.  We'll call this neighbor Mr. Wratched and we'll call his wife Mrs. Wratched.  So, while Gimli was landscaping, he noticed a particular tree that needed to come down.  With ax in hand, he stood ready to attack the scrawny little twig.

          "NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Legolas immediately.  The elf came rushing out of the house, his lovely hair flowing behind his handsome visage.  He ran to the scrawny little tree and flung his arms wildly around it in hopes of blocking Gimli's fearsome swing.

          "You will not harm this tree!  It lives and breathes just as we all do.  If you harm this tree then you will have to kill me first!"  Legolas cried in vain for Gimli was already about to swing.

          "Treehuggger!  Die all treehuggers!"  And with that he let go a fearsome blow which struck the beautiful elf's slender neck.  A thin stream of blood poured forth from Legolas' neck but Legolas, in spirit, was not harmed.  He got up and drew his dagger from it scabbard and held it erect.

          "You foul scum!  You block, you stone, you worth than senseless thing!  Strike not a man who has no arms upon his back?  By god!  You shall digest the venom of your spleen!"  With that, Legolas poured forth all his energy and all his will to fight upon the pour Gimli who was now off his guard snacking on the sugar cookies and talking to Mrs. Wretched.  

Ok, that's all for now, when I get another bunch of ideas, I'll write them down as fast as I can and whenever I have time.  Bye bye for now!


	8. Pepsi endorsement

The writer was devastated.  Not only was her work an utter failure but also she was getting rather adjusted at the boringness of her work.  She decided to speed the whole story but adding not a twist, but a point.

The fellowship realized that they would need to support themselves if they were to live in the quaint little house with the white picket fence.  In that case, they all decided the best thing to do to manage their taxes and to keep up their maintenance on the house was to get a job.

          First, Aragorn got a job in a bakery.  He was much engulfed in the bread makings and even more fascinated with dough.  He once quoted that "if me father was not the 38th heir of Gondor, why, bless me!  I would be the son of a miller."  And even so, Aragorn was still fascinated with cooking, mainly because he was allowed to eat it when his creation did not come into prospective.  This was only when Aragorn was hungry though.

          Legolas got a job as a park ranger at a nearby park where they were lumbering.  Legolas, of course, was in no support for the felling of trees.  This of course only meant that Gimli just had to join that lumbering business which Legolas so detested.

          Pippin and Merry, always acting like two twins, could not separate.  They got their job at a circus for being midgets.  No one quite knew how they pulled that off since they had no talents whatsoever besides being almost shorter than the writer herself (which is a rare talent indeed).

          Sam, not having any passion (or any talent) decided he would drive the golf cart at the golfing range.  It was across the avenue though so Frodo would always have to walk him over since Sam was lacking the intellect to look up and down the street before crossing.  Instead, Sam would look up to the sky and then look down to his belly (since his tummy was so big he could not see his feet) and then step out into heavy traffic.

          Frodo got a job as a marketing consultant in a world wide international corporation.  He marketed health care products to the neighboring healthcare facilities and in turn, was paid a handsome sum for his labor.

          It was when all the Fellowship took a day off (except Merry and Pippin) to go see the circus when they were in a rudely awakened surprised.  When who should be fired out of the cannon but Amery Dias herself!

          "My love!" cried Sam in surprise.

          "Amery Dias!" cried Aragorn in amazement.

          "Amery!" cried Merry and Pippin at once from the stage.

          "Amery!"  cried Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli in unison.  

          "Amery!"  cried Frodo, "what out for that…."  BUMP  "big Pepsi sign endorsement."

          "Oww," the audience went into whispers and hushed as Amery Pulled herself out of the wreckage.

          "Amery!  Amery Dias, my love!  My precious!  My one and only!"  Sam ran down through the hovering crowd to greet Amery.  His arms stretched out and ready to embrace her.

          "Hush my darling, I see you all missed me," Amery Dias said soothingly and cast her eye upon the other members of the fellowship.  She bent down and whipped the tears that began flowing from the hobbit's eyes.

          "Oh yes!  We have, so much indeed, we all thought you were dead," Sam was clinging to her like a dead limb, "how did you ever escape?  And how did you end up working at the circus?"

          "Well, I was temporarily disembodied in the creepy locnus monster's tummy.  Then, are you farmiliar with Sky burials?  Well, it was sort of like that.  And I basically camp back to life.  Quite a process huh?"  Amery finished her extremely short speech abruptly.

          "Oh, thank heavens your alright!" Sam said.  He then leaned over to the side and whispered to no one in particular, "jez, that was the weakest line in your pointless plot, Turtle, I expect better of you next time."

          The writer sighed.  She had done her work as a good writer should except she thinks she will now go beat herself over the head with her clarinet for having, yet again, having absolutely no plot to this pointless story.

          "That is something I really do need to work on," quotes Mock Turtle.


End file.
